Any amount of feelings you have won't save you from utter failure. Itching may be a sign of bad things to come. Life throws us all crazy things now and then. Like swords made of ham. And dogs on skateboards.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
When the morning is done, you will have your sweet reward. "Going Dutch" does not mean having it away with 4 people at once whilst smoking a jewel encrusted pipe. A trip to the doctor's should quell any anxiety you have about being a pair of curtains, although his diagnosis may be less than helpful.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.
CANCER (June 21 -July 22)
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered, yes, specially you Rai.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. The opposite sex would even be willing to kill people just to increase their odds at being in your bed one night.
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.
PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.