Even though Aries is "the Ram" (male), you are a very delicate female. Arieses, this month, your inner self will reveal. But don't be ashame and don't be insecure. Let the whole world know that you are a transvestite or homosexual. ;)
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You are such a perv. I am disgusted at the things I see you doing in the future. You are turned on by the creepiest things and you like having sex in the most terrifying ways. However, the worst thing is that you don't even notice what a freak you are. That's why you are so loved :)
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
The crystal ball which I sometimes use for divining fortunes for those like yourself... is smashed beyond repair. I can see bits of your future, and they look bloody. But I can't tell whether it's your blood. Actually, it might not be blood at all, but a red sock. I'm not sure. Get back to me next month.
CANCER (June 21 -July 22)
You will have cancer. Sorry, that's it. No more. Nope. Ok, I'll give you some more revelations. Let's see... *randomly chooses a disease* Hmmm... it seems that this month you will also acquire AIDS... hmmm how intriguing. Uhmmm.. good luck surviving :P
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
This month will seem like a good month for disregarding this horoscope. Oh wait. I didn't actually give you a horoscope. Wait, yeah, I just did. Ok then [[File:Happy.gif
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
In a world full of people like yourself, who cares if you want to behave like an pervet? Whilst you may think that this horoscope is completely useless... I have to admit - I have a very guilty secret. You see, all horoscopes are completely useless. There - I said it. Now Mrs Fakkiu who taught me everything I knew will rue the day she said I couldn't make it as an astrologer! Fuck you Mrs Fakkiu!
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
People that repeat things can be annoying as well as entertaining. Rawwr! People that repeat things can be annoying as well as entertaining. Rawwr! Rawr! People that repeat things can be annoying as well as entertaining. Rawwr!
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
Better late than pregnant.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Your life must be so horrid... you should try taking a small part in a local theatre production. It may help you get out and start living a lie. Good luck and break a leg! Literally
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Capricorns are to astrology what Mirajane is to Rai. They are loved beyond imagining. Yes, yes we are :)
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
You looked so sexy this month. If you keep this up, next month, you will be raped. Do you want to be raped? Do you?! Well, then stop being sexy and be ugly. You are ugly. UGLY. Go cry now. I'm just kidding. You are still sexy and you know it. :P
PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
Wow Pisces, you actually look really awesome. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WEAK TO WATER?! Anyway, this month, your mother is going to be turned into a porn star and we will all watch some good, family-fun, milf porn. Awesome :)