I'm sorry my dear Arieses, but this month, just like in the anime and the manga, you will be completely and utterly ignored. It's like you don't exist. Not even the anime, that is known for making the spirits appear all the time, hasn't shown you. Too bad, so sad. But don't worry, many other spirits were ignored too. I advise you try and stand out this month. Speak loud, talk to everybody, join any activities, anything! Just get out there let the whole world know who you are! If not, you can just rot alone in your bed while masturbating at innocent, cute, fluffy Aries.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You have just recently been the star of the show, one of the main points of attraction because of the new fresh look you got yourself. But don't let that get to your head. Don't get carried away by the new things and forget about the old stuff that everyone loves. Try to remember what's good in life and don't just follow vanity around like a bitch, because that will get you nowhere happy.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Well, my dear Geminis. You guys are so lucky to have such cuties as your spirits. But remember to not always trust your eyes as they may deceive in very unexpected ways. Try to see things for what they really are, not just for what your first impression of them are. However, don't start mistrusting everything, or everyone, because you are afraid of what you might find. Take a step back and consider the possibilities, but don't be Juvia and imagine things that aren't really there, or you might just never get your Gray to notice you.
CANCER (June 21 -July 22)
I'm sorry to all the people who have Cancer as their zodiac symbol because you all have to share it with this asshole. Anyway, the aligning of the stars tell me that if you get a haircut like this then things will go your way. Getting a haircut like that is the key to happiness in this coming month until the next issue of the Gate of the Horoscope. Also, if you don't get a haircut like this, then you can expect a visit from this guy.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Hey there all you playboys and slutty girls! Well, I'm just going with Loke's playboy personality for this and just decided to give you your future in a clear manner. *clears throat* Your future for this month: 68% chance of Chlamydia 79% chance of Gonorrhea 93% chance of Syphilis 83% chance of Herpes 99.9% chance of AIDS
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
The future is a little unclear to me at the moment you Virgos but it's very probable that this month will be the month of punishment. That's right. All the people you've hurt, all the people you've stepped on, everyone you have betrayed, all the little kids you've raped while being manipulated by him, they will all come back to take their revenge. Are you scared? Why? This Virgo actually seems pleased about it, like she has been waiting for it for a while. You should all be just as excited as her!
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
Unwanted. That's the word to describe you future. Unwanted. Just like Lucy didn't want your ugly Arab-clothing ass for her collection of slaves spirits. Unwanted. "What can I do to change my future, oh great Relikz?" you ask? Well, there is only one way to change it. Pay tribute to The Dark Tyrant by leaving a message on his talk page asking for mercy. If you do this, then you will have a slight chance to not be unwanted. But hey, a slight chance is better than no chance.
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
We are! Well, all you Scorpios and scorpions, you guys are lucky that I love Scorpio so I won't bang on you too hard. Anyway, by looking at the aligning of the constellation and seeing that the (name of star) star is very... uh... shiny. Yes, the ____ star is very shiny so it seems this month you will be shiny! It may be metaphorical shiny, like good luck and stuff. But be careful, because it might mean literal and a meteor might fall on you, or you might be struck by thunder, or you may just simply catch on flame... what are the chances of that happening right... ^.^ (smiles while lighting a cigarette very close to you)
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Before starting, let's have a moment of silence to all the people that have such an ugly, useless, weak and horrible spirit as their Celestial Spirit. ... *tear rolls down cheek* ... Thank you. All you Sagittariuses have enough to deal with so I'll give you good future. If you shoot an abnormally big arrow at the sky, there is a chance that it will fall straight on top of you and kill you. Salvation from your misery! Your welcome! :)
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Ah, finally the best Zodiac sign of them all. Is it because it's my Zodiac sign? No, no, no. It's because it's Aldarinor's Zodiac sign! Anyway, this month I see a very good future ahead of you. Like the awesome Capricorn you will literally kick ass! You are a pacifist and don't want to kick ass? Then you don't deserve to have Capricorn as your Zodiac! Now strip in front of everyone, bend down, ask for forgiveness and then erase your own sign from your body! No! I'm still not satisfied! Go to McDonalds and eat there everyday until you become the fattest person on Earth, then go to the next World Cup and have them use you as a ball, then shoot yourself, then jump off a bridge, then hang yourself, then jump in front of a truck and then get up and make sure you are dead. I'm still not satisfied but I think it's enough punishment for now. Go Capricorn!
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
Are there any male Aquarius users on this site? If so, you should go and get your penis removed and get a vagina instead! Why? Because Aquarius already has a boyfriend and she ordered kindly asked me to have all males stay away from her because they won't be able to resist her. Her Bitchness also decreed that this month's future for Aquariuses is that all females like Lucy won't get boyfriends and all males... well, there won't be males no more. Also, I was ordered want to point out that this is a real Horoscope because the stars tell me that and it wasn't something I was forced to say.
PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
Well, just like the Libras, you guys will be unwanted because Lucy-sama doesn't want you. The only difference is that you guys will be double unwanted because Pisces is two spirits! Yes, it must suck to be unwanted but you also have the same way to change it! You just have to pay tribute to The Dark Tyrant by leaving a message on his talk page asking for mercy. If you do this, then you will have a slight chance to not be unwanted! However, your chances are also greater than the Libras because you have two spirits! Oh, and by the way, just wanted to let you know that I ran out of imagination at this point so I had to write this explanation to make the future for Pisceses seem longer.