Template:FairyPlaybook/January 2016

 

The Zervis

Chance of Success: 100%

Prep time: ~11 years

Requirements: A curse that controls life and death

So you want to get a date for V day huh? Then nothing works quite like the Zervis. Now, the prep for this is a little tricky as you are going to need to contract some kind of curse that makes you kill people you love, but don't worry, what could go wrong?! Once you identify your target, ambush them with their friends and let them see you naked "by chance". Train your target how to defend themselves and send them on their way. Now you are in their head. They will be back, trust me, because you just happened to set them on their way to get the same curse you have! So about 10 years later, you need to run into your target again. Explain to them that the reason they havent grown older is because you two are both afflicted with that nasty little curse. They will run off, but trust me, we aren't done yet. A year later you just need to run into your target again and take advantage of their depression. Whisper sweet nothings into their ear and say you love them and pucker up because you are getting one hell of a kiss. Unfortunately, that is the only kiss you are getting because your kiss may have sort of kind of killed them. BUT THATS OKAY, because who just got kissed? You did!

Huh? Whats that? You don't want to kill your lover just for a kiss? Well fine!

The Jerza



Chance of Success: 90%

Prep time: 8 years

Requirements: A magical tower far away from home

Ah the Jerza, a classic sure to win you the heart of the one you desire. First thing first, find someone you wish to make yours. Now get yourselves captured as slaves and taken to a far off island. Don't worry, you may have to tough it out for a while but it will be worth it in the end. Now here is where the magic starts. Get your target to be falsely accused of starting a revolt and then start your own revolt to free them when they get taken in. Once you do this, go ahead and get yourself captured after you free your target. This will inspire them to come for you. But here is the kicker, rather than being all grateful when they come for you, you need to be an evil bastard and decide to become the leader of the island to carry on the work of the slavers. Offer your target the chance to leave and when they do, stalk them for years by pretending to be your twin brother. After about 8 years, lead them back to the island to confront you and pretty much kill you. Sometime later, you just need to reappear and say you lost your memories and the sparks will begin to fly. From here on out, everything you do will only attract your target more. Take a deep breath and relax because you my friend just scored!

But whats that you say? You don't want to wait 8 years to get a date? Don't worry, I have you covered

The Gruvia



Chance of Success: 70%

Prep time: 413 days give or take

Requirements: Absolutely nothing

This is an easy one for you folks. Have your target in sight? All you have to do is become obsessed with them. How obsessed? Make cakes with their faces on it, say their name like you are having an orgasm, be everywhere they are. If someone speaks to your target, they are your new love rival. Annihilate them! Eventually though, things will pan out to be a normal loving relationship where though your target may not say that they love you, they will definitely begin to show that they care and maybe one day, you will get a straight answer from them.

Wait a second, that became kind of normal....SCREW IT. That one is terrible, forget about it. I got the perfect one for you.

The Gajeevy



Chance of Success: 60%

Prep time: A few months

Requirements: a big ass tree

You ready for this one? All you have to do once you find your target is to beat them up. Beat them and anyone they are with to a bloody pulp and further humiliate them by tying them to that big ass tree. Now a little later, let her take revenge and do the same to you and in a few months, you two will be the new it couple around town. Its really that simple.

Huh? Battery is illegal? You respect the opposite gender and would never beat them up? Why can't you ever just be happy with one of these? But fine, try this one.

The Rowen



Chance of Success: 50%

Prep time: None

Requirements: Be the only person the same age as your target

This one should be simple enough for you. Just be the same age as your fucking target. Not hard right? That's all you have to do. Then everyone around you will just presume you two are dating since you are the only ones in your age group. Seize the opportunity to ask your target out and bam, you have a date.

Now what could you possibly complain about? There is someone else the same age as you? Well fuck it, I have one last play for you.

The Miraxus



Chance of Success: 30%

Prep time: a few minutes

Requirements: None

This is the absolute easiest play there is. All you have to do, and you may want to brace yourself for this cause it may be too much for you, is to one time show concern for your target. Done, thats it. That is all you have to do. Much like the Rowen, your friends and everyone around you two will begin to think you two are so cute together that you must be dating. Take that opportunity to ask them out and you can kiss you v card goodbye on v day. Bonus points if you can get someone to draw a picture of you two dancing together. You don't actually need to dance together, you just need someone to draw it so that everyone goes crazy about it.

Now thats it. Get out there tiger, you have studied in the true ways of romance by Hiro Mashima. You are now an unstoppable love machine.